Current mood:	crushed
Current music:	A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless

Bipolar Disorder
Hey hey..

Today's entry is going to be a little weird and most likely confusing so beware.

*sigh* so. For a while now, I've been concentrating really hard on my actions. The actions I do when I get upset or angry. I've always been horrible with anger and sadness. Always. In grade 9, I realized "Yeah, I have horrible down times.. but my up time is amazing! It's like my emotions are enhanced-"

Yeah no freakin' kidding. About 5 days ago, I started talking to the guidance councelors about all this. Through out this time, they've asked me all kinds of questions and put me in all kinds of situations because they were "trying to figure something out". They never told me what that was, but I found out yesterday.

They think I have "bipolar disorder". When the councelor said that I went "...bipolar disorder?" Then I thought - the night before, I talked to my net buddy who just happens to be in medical school. We were talking about, something.. I don't really remember. All I know is that we ended up -oh yeah! My display picture was of a chick who had commited suicide and then we started talking about me and being depressed. After a while, he came to the decision that maybe I should think about considering finding out if I have bipolar disorder or not.

So I looked at the guidance councelor and I just kind of sat there. I've been doing a lot of research on it. And I've come to find out a lot. The symptoms of bipolar disorder are as follow (and the ones with stars beside them are the symptoms I have):

*Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
*Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
*Extreme irritability
*Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
*Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
*Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
*A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
*Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
*Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong

So yeah. I've also come to find, that the type of "bipolar" crap I have is called hypomania. Here's a definition that some person wrote about being hypomania-whatever:

"Hypomania: At first when I'm high, it's tremendous… ideas are fast… like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear…. All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there… uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria… you can do anything… but, somewhere this changes."

Now, when he says "high" he doesn't mean high off drugs. He means in his happy state. Everyone gets happy. But, this is how I get happy. And then, I don't know why, but all of a sudden it goes away. And that extreme happiness turns into extreme sadness/anger...

It's all so... god damn confusing!

I don't really know what to do about all this shit.. except obviously write about it and whine to people.

Christ!